It was a stroke of luck Z went online to chat last night. I confided in her that I need to talk to her again for some counseling. Obviously, it won't be a formal counseling, but more of seeking an ear to pour my heart out to. Z is the perfect person for it. And I think I can say this for the Ws who know her. She's professional at fault as she took up masters in counseling. If we can meet on Saturday, this would be the third or fourth time I'm seeking her presence. She understands my woes because we have the same status in life.
This post will not even be half of what I've written last night. I'm still struggling with my motivation.
25 February 2012
24 February 2012
Day 1
D gave me this assignment to work on as I did mention to her that I feel like going into depression. I'm going to give it a try despite that I already did one last night.
My job or the soon to be lack of thereof is highly affecting me. I've never hidden that aspect. I feel like I don't have to when I know my friends have the chance to help me. Honestly, I feel like I'm going nowhere. I want to believe that my career path is something others can be envious about but that would be hypocritical of me. My first job in Makati dealt with pre-employment screening. A continuous, stagnant work that doesn't have any sort of career development. I gave up on it after two years of gritting my teeth. The pay was higher than one would normally associate for a person's first job, but the high salary made up for the negative work environment. If there's one thing I hate most in a work, it's the environment and mentality acquired with it.
My second job gave me the opportunity to work in the government. In the military setting, specifically. It was a new and different challenge in the sense that the rules of work are far more relaxed compared to a private company. The work itself initially was lacking, as I was used to heavy workloads, until I renewed by contract by 2010 and was hired as the researcher of a particular project. The project itself is ambitious and important. Initially, it was a good challenge because it deals with psychological testing, which I consider one of my favorite topics in psychology. But like from my first work, the downside of my job were my team mates. The psychologists, in particular, feel the need to establish their knowledge and experience in every little thing in the project. A bit hypocritical of them to sprout about human behavior and call themselves psychologists in the first place when they never even got to finish their master's degree. Now, two years later, I'm ready to throw the towel and move on to another job.
My next job is sealed for a position in the government again. A division which I've coordinated with in the past two years I've handled the project on testing. The downside though is the difficulty in accessing the funds, as what my point of contact have said to me. I can't blame them for that because I know how tedious paper works are in the government. I gave me the wrong impression thought that sooner than later I can get in, and now almost a month after being given the 'congratulations', I'm stuck complacent. I didn't apply to any other jobs. And therein lies the problem.
What do I want to do with my life? I don't know. Even the appeal of finishing my master's degree has faded like a poor short-term memory. I just want to curl up somewhere in solitude and peace and read books forever. That's an unlikely dream though because I'm the breadwinner of the family, and the bills won't stop just because I want to lead a free life.
My job or the soon to be lack of thereof is highly affecting me. I've never hidden that aspect. I feel like I don't have to when I know my friends have the chance to help me. Honestly, I feel like I'm going nowhere. I want to believe that my career path is something others can be envious about but that would be hypocritical of me. My first job in Makati dealt with pre-employment screening. A continuous, stagnant work that doesn't have any sort of career development. I gave up on it after two years of gritting my teeth. The pay was higher than one would normally associate for a person's first job, but the high salary made up for the negative work environment. If there's one thing I hate most in a work, it's the environment and mentality acquired with it.
My second job gave me the opportunity to work in the government. In the military setting, specifically. It was a new and different challenge in the sense that the rules of work are far more relaxed compared to a private company. The work itself initially was lacking, as I was used to heavy workloads, until I renewed by contract by 2010 and was hired as the researcher of a particular project. The project itself is ambitious and important. Initially, it was a good challenge because it deals with psychological testing, which I consider one of my favorite topics in psychology. But like from my first work, the downside of my job were my team mates. The psychologists, in particular, feel the need to establish their knowledge and experience in every little thing in the project. A bit hypocritical of them to sprout about human behavior and call themselves psychologists in the first place when they never even got to finish their master's degree. Now, two years later, I'm ready to throw the towel and move on to another job.
My next job is sealed for a position in the government again. A division which I've coordinated with in the past two years I've handled the project on testing. The downside though is the difficulty in accessing the funds, as what my point of contact have said to me. I can't blame them for that because I know how tedious paper works are in the government. I gave me the wrong impression thought that sooner than later I can get in, and now almost a month after being given the 'congratulations', I'm stuck complacent. I didn't apply to any other jobs. And therein lies the problem.
What do I want to do with my life? I don't know. Even the appeal of finishing my master's degree has faded like a poor short-term memory. I just want to curl up somewhere in solitude and peace and read books forever. That's an unlikely dream though because I'm the breadwinner of the family, and the bills won't stop just because I want to lead a free life.
23 February 2012
Quitting
I feel like I should be worried that I'm seriously starting to lose interest in anything these days. I feel so lost in front of my pc, and I'm doing things mechanically at the office. There's little emotional turbulence left in me. I don't know if these are some signs of depression. Maybe it's been a long time coming; I'm not sure. It's never been professional to diagnose oneself, obviously. I want to talk to Z about this but she can't do a proper therapy because we're good friends.
I made a personal Twitter account a few weeks back. I gave the credible excuse of transferring all my real life friends on the new account so they'll be spared by my football ramblings especially during games. I knew at the back of my mind though that I was starting to separate myself from the group of club supporters I usually mingled with on my other account. I feel like I'm too old to trade jokes and bond on the Internet aside from our support for our club. Understandably, they're all younger than me. They're mostly students too and have more time to spend in front of the pc chatting with friends. I don't have that luxury or rather, I don't have the luxury of exerting the effort to joke with them unlike before. I usually felt out of place in most of their conversations which kind of bothered me before but nowadays, I feel like my sleepless timeline prompts a headache out of me.
Anyway, I'm off to read slash novels first if only to push myself to do something.
I made a personal Twitter account a few weeks back. I gave the credible excuse of transferring all my real life friends on the new account so they'll be spared by my football ramblings especially during games. I knew at the back of my mind though that I was starting to separate myself from the group of club supporters I usually mingled with on my other account. I feel like I'm too old to trade jokes and bond on the Internet aside from our support for our club. Understandably, they're all younger than me. They're mostly students too and have more time to spend in front of the pc chatting with friends. I don't have that luxury or rather, I don't have the luxury of exerting the effort to joke with them unlike before. I usually felt out of place in most of their conversations which kind of bothered me before but nowadays, I feel like my sleepless timeline prompts a headache out of me.
Anyway, I'm off to read slash novels first if only to push myself to do something.
27 December 2011
Post-Christmas wish?
My recruiter called me early this evening to update me on my application status. She said she'll give me my verdict next week. Is it plain wrong to hope that I'll land the job? God knows I badly need one and this recent job application pretty much sealed my experience with it. I want it. It's going to break my fucking heart if I don't get it but life will go on. I just hope I'll get over it quickly by getting another decent job offer. Searching for project management jobs isn't exactly rampant. Apart from this field of expertise I don't know where else I'll fit. Sure, there's the psychology/psychometrician part but the opportunity of getting a job in that area is rarer than a pink diamond.
I really, really hope.
I really, really hope.
02 May 2011
Map of my head
1. These RM-Barca shit practically sent my GAF down to 60. I don't know where to pull the anger from the last el clasico (which in a way, I could be grateful for being unable to watch it) issues so I settled for crying whenever wherever I could. I'd probably self medicate myself with zoloft before the season ends. That said, now I know that my seasonal quota for el clasico matches are 3-4 (2 from La Liga, 1 from CDR and 1 from CL). Beyond that, I'm going to be a wreck.
2. I broke external hard drive. That just piled my unending lists for crying these days. My gifs, songs, videos, torrents, my fucking life was in that HD and it all boiled down to Ubuntu crashing with my HD connected. Fuck my life a million times over. I sent the HD to the distributor and try as I might, they might repair it (aka reformat) or give me a new one. Either way, I'm fucked and I'm not happy with Western Digital nowadays. To think everybody's goddamn boasting over their superiority among the HD competition.
3. I'm really getting pissed off with my boss. First for the incident several weeks ago which he'd practically insulted my educational attainment and last week for subtly dismissing my hard work on the project. Well they can eat their own shit because I'm ready to pack my bags and say adios to them. I'm just hoping someone would call me up for a new job already. The thing I'll only miss if I leave my current company is the very loose work schedule. Going to work at 9am and leaving around 4pm for like 3 days a week is a boon I'm never going to be not grateful for. Just don't make me face my boss weekly.
4. My addiction to gay ebooks right now is frightening in its intensity. I unknowingly took a sabbatical from the Merlin fandom already although I still take a peek whenever I could. My torrent is suffering from it (that is, my ratio is regressing while I'm stuck unable to seed because my files are in my ruined HD and karma's a bitch). I practically devour an ebook or two a day and for sure, my eyes are going to suffer after this. As in suffer blind.
5. My only other source of joy right now is my half craptastic iPod. I'm going to call Power Mac tomorrow and ask if there's something they can do for the poor click wheel sensitivity (replace it or something while my warranty is still valid).
2. I broke external hard drive. That just piled my unending lists for crying these days. My gifs, songs, videos, torrents, my fucking life was in that HD and it all boiled down to Ubuntu crashing with my HD connected. Fuck my life a million times over. I sent the HD to the distributor and try as I might, they might repair it (aka reformat) or give me a new one. Either way, I'm fucked and I'm not happy with Western Digital nowadays. To think everybody's goddamn boasting over their superiority among the HD competition.
3. I'm really getting pissed off with my boss. First for the incident several weeks ago which he'd practically insulted my educational attainment and last week for subtly dismissing my hard work on the project. Well they can eat their own shit because I'm ready to pack my bags and say adios to them. I'm just hoping someone would call me up for a new job already. The thing I'll only miss if I leave my current company is the very loose work schedule. Going to work at 9am and leaving around 4pm for like 3 days a week is a boon I'm never going to be not grateful for. Just don't make me face my boss weekly.
4. My addiction to gay ebooks right now is frightening in its intensity. I unknowingly took a sabbatical from the Merlin fandom already although I still take a peek whenever I could. My torrent is suffering from it (that is, my ratio is regressing while I'm stuck unable to seed because my files are in my ruined HD and karma's a bitch). I practically devour an ebook or two a day and for sure, my eyes are going to suffer after this. As in suffer blind.
5. My only other source of joy right now is my half craptastic iPod. I'm going to call Power Mac tomorrow and ask if there's something they can do for the poor click wheel sensitivity (replace it or something while my warranty is still valid).
24 March 2011
A little while longer
1. I got a question mark (?) for my case study exercise using the psychodynamic model. The last time I got a question mark on a paper was years ago when I'd worked on my thesis. I'm appalled at myself and cognitively scared shitless that's I'm a failure for my defended model.
2. Work doubles but I'm taking it one step a time. A good thing boss 2 is back by Monday. I really don't want to run do a 5-minute walk every time I need a paper to be signed by the project manager.
3. I really want a new work already. If it's not US Embassy it would be NCMH. The problem with the latter is I have to submit my CV at the office. Emails aren't their forte, obviously.
4. Downright exhausted. I really can't function properly when work and school are done one after the other.
2. Work doubles but I'm taking it one step a time. A good thing boss 2 is back by Monday. I really don't want to run do a 5-minute walk every time I need a paper to be signed by the project manager.
3. I really want a new work already. If it's not US Embassy it would be NCMH. The problem with the latter is I have to submit my CV at the office. Emails aren't their forte, obviously.
4. Downright exhausted. I really can't function properly when work and school are done one after the other.
26 February 2011
Something new
Finally bought an external hard drive and let me tell you, it was a huge relief for me and my laptop. I got the 500GB Passport Essential from WD, one of the best in storage according to the internet and perhaps the people around me too. Recently found out two of my bosses and my dad have their own. It's good that it worked right out of the box for Linux and now I'm eyeing the Book Essential 2TB. I know, I know. I really thought 500GB would be enough for me but from the way things are piling up with all the new downloads, it looks like I need a bigger one soon. The 2TB costs around 7k, nearly twice the price of my 500GB but it's going to be definitely worth it. If that happens I need to buy a USB extension hub too.
Just last week I saw this brochure for NEO laptops and looks like it won't be too far in the future to have an internal HDD of 1TB for laptops. The one from NEO had a 640GB HDD. Compared to my measly 130GB, my laptop really is in the oldies generation. But I'd rather wait for the regular pouring of new laptop models than buy a revolutionary one at this point. Who knows what other knick knacks will be added.
Just last week I saw this brochure for NEO laptops and looks like it won't be too far in the future to have an internal HDD of 1TB for laptops. The one from NEO had a 640GB HDD. Compared to my measly 130GB, my laptop really is in the oldies generation. But I'd rather wait for the regular pouring of new laptop models than buy a revolutionary one at this point. Who knows what other knick knacks will be added.
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