It was a stroke of luck Z went online to chat last night. I confided in her that I need to talk to her again for some counseling. Obviously, it won't be a formal counseling, but more of seeking an ear to pour my heart out to. Z is the perfect person for it. And I think I can say this for the Ws who know her. She's professional at fault as she took up masters in counseling. If we can meet on Saturday, this would be the third or fourth time I'm seeking her presence. She understands my woes because we have the same status in life.
This post will not even be half of what I've written last night. I'm still struggling with my motivation.
25 February 2012
24 February 2012
Day 1
D gave me this assignment to work on as I did mention to her that I feel like going into depression. I'm going to give it a try despite that I already did one last night.
My job or the soon to be lack of thereof is highly affecting me. I've never hidden that aspect. I feel like I don't have to when I know my friends have the chance to help me. Honestly, I feel like I'm going nowhere. I want to believe that my career path is something others can be envious about but that would be hypocritical of me. My first job in Makati dealt with pre-employment screening. A continuous, stagnant work that doesn't have any sort of career development. I gave up on it after two years of gritting my teeth. The pay was higher than one would normally associate for a person's first job, but the high salary made up for the negative work environment. If there's one thing I hate most in a work, it's the environment and mentality acquired with it.
My second job gave me the opportunity to work in the government. In the military setting, specifically. It was a new and different challenge in the sense that the rules of work are far more relaxed compared to a private company. The work itself initially was lacking, as I was used to heavy workloads, until I renewed by contract by 2010 and was hired as the researcher of a particular project. The project itself is ambitious and important. Initially, it was a good challenge because it deals with psychological testing, which I consider one of my favorite topics in psychology. But like from my first work, the downside of my job were my team mates. The psychologists, in particular, feel the need to establish their knowledge and experience in every little thing in the project. A bit hypocritical of them to sprout about human behavior and call themselves psychologists in the first place when they never even got to finish their master's degree. Now, two years later, I'm ready to throw the towel and move on to another job.
My next job is sealed for a position in the government again. A division which I've coordinated with in the past two years I've handled the project on testing. The downside though is the difficulty in accessing the funds, as what my point of contact have said to me. I can't blame them for that because I know how tedious paper works are in the government. I gave me the wrong impression thought that sooner than later I can get in, and now almost a month after being given the 'congratulations', I'm stuck complacent. I didn't apply to any other jobs. And therein lies the problem.
What do I want to do with my life? I don't know. Even the appeal of finishing my master's degree has faded like a poor short-term memory. I just want to curl up somewhere in solitude and peace and read books forever. That's an unlikely dream though because I'm the breadwinner of the family, and the bills won't stop just because I want to lead a free life.
My job or the soon to be lack of thereof is highly affecting me. I've never hidden that aspect. I feel like I don't have to when I know my friends have the chance to help me. Honestly, I feel like I'm going nowhere. I want to believe that my career path is something others can be envious about but that would be hypocritical of me. My first job in Makati dealt with pre-employment screening. A continuous, stagnant work that doesn't have any sort of career development. I gave up on it after two years of gritting my teeth. The pay was higher than one would normally associate for a person's first job, but the high salary made up for the negative work environment. If there's one thing I hate most in a work, it's the environment and mentality acquired with it.
My second job gave me the opportunity to work in the government. In the military setting, specifically. It was a new and different challenge in the sense that the rules of work are far more relaxed compared to a private company. The work itself initially was lacking, as I was used to heavy workloads, until I renewed by contract by 2010 and was hired as the researcher of a particular project. The project itself is ambitious and important. Initially, it was a good challenge because it deals with psychological testing, which I consider one of my favorite topics in psychology. But like from my first work, the downside of my job were my team mates. The psychologists, in particular, feel the need to establish their knowledge and experience in every little thing in the project. A bit hypocritical of them to sprout about human behavior and call themselves psychologists in the first place when they never even got to finish their master's degree. Now, two years later, I'm ready to throw the towel and move on to another job.
My next job is sealed for a position in the government again. A division which I've coordinated with in the past two years I've handled the project on testing. The downside though is the difficulty in accessing the funds, as what my point of contact have said to me. I can't blame them for that because I know how tedious paper works are in the government. I gave me the wrong impression thought that sooner than later I can get in, and now almost a month after being given the 'congratulations', I'm stuck complacent. I didn't apply to any other jobs. And therein lies the problem.
What do I want to do with my life? I don't know. Even the appeal of finishing my master's degree has faded like a poor short-term memory. I just want to curl up somewhere in solitude and peace and read books forever. That's an unlikely dream though because I'm the breadwinner of the family, and the bills won't stop just because I want to lead a free life.
23 February 2012
Quitting
I feel like I should be worried that I'm seriously starting to lose interest in anything these days. I feel so lost in front of my pc, and I'm doing things mechanically at the office. There's little emotional turbulence left in me. I don't know if these are some signs of depression. Maybe it's been a long time coming; I'm not sure. It's never been professional to diagnose oneself, obviously. I want to talk to Z about this but she can't do a proper therapy because we're good friends.
I made a personal Twitter account a few weeks back. I gave the credible excuse of transferring all my real life friends on the new account so they'll be spared by my football ramblings especially during games. I knew at the back of my mind though that I was starting to separate myself from the group of club supporters I usually mingled with on my other account. I feel like I'm too old to trade jokes and bond on the Internet aside from our support for our club. Understandably, they're all younger than me. They're mostly students too and have more time to spend in front of the pc chatting with friends. I don't have that luxury or rather, I don't have the luxury of exerting the effort to joke with them unlike before. I usually felt out of place in most of their conversations which kind of bothered me before but nowadays, I feel like my sleepless timeline prompts a headache out of me.
Anyway, I'm off to read slash novels first if only to push myself to do something.
I made a personal Twitter account a few weeks back. I gave the credible excuse of transferring all my real life friends on the new account so they'll be spared by my football ramblings especially during games. I knew at the back of my mind though that I was starting to separate myself from the group of club supporters I usually mingled with on my other account. I feel like I'm too old to trade jokes and bond on the Internet aside from our support for our club. Understandably, they're all younger than me. They're mostly students too and have more time to spend in front of the pc chatting with friends. I don't have that luxury or rather, I don't have the luxury of exerting the effort to joke with them unlike before. I usually felt out of place in most of their conversations which kind of bothered me before but nowadays, I feel like my sleepless timeline prompts a headache out of me.
Anyway, I'm off to read slash novels first if only to push myself to do something.
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